ISSUE Magazine

I’m Alice by Sara Trett

I’m Alice.

It’s like being hit in the face. Over and over, again and again, until it feels good, until you can feel the blood surging through your scalp, dripping through your blonde hair as it’s trying to repair what is so helplessly broken.

It’s like hitting someone in the face. Hitting till you’re bruised, till you bleed, till you break. Hitting till you have nothing left in you. When everything you are and everything you think you are has left you, and only ecstasy is left. There’s only the will to float away from the body you’ve destroyed, and laugh at how helpless it is, while you fly inhaling the ethyl clouds, feeling the gas as it perforates your lungs, making them salivate through the chemicals, dripping, hungry, carnivorous. Laughing and laughing and laughing, till before you know it, you’re crying from the pain, cackling through broken teeth and shaking so miserably, you wonder if you won’t fall apart right then and there.

Your tongue is green and yellow and blue, but most of all it’s white. Thirds, halves, quarters or fifths, they fizz on your tongue, effervescent, luminescent, burning through your flesh till they dissolve you completely. When the world warps itself, it cartwheels before you, every step shifts you through another dimension, where edges are harder, teeth are sharper and eyes are blood red. You’re


You’re a GOD! You’re the next ruler of the universe! Let the beat of the bass pump through your heart as a sea of people bow before you, lavishing you with their love, with their bodies. Take the hit! You’re INVINCIBLE! You’re jumping off cliffs and crashing into the waves only to conquer them yet again. You’re…! You’re slowing down.

Who do they think they are? 
The world is moving too fast. Don’t slow down now! But you can’t keep up. And every, step, you, take… It takes more and more out of you. And soon enough, you’re sinking, sitting, falling, lying down on something, anything you can put under you. Something that will stay with you while the rest of the world leaves you behind, bitter and sore. They tricked you. They gave you life for a second there. They gave you love and let you live for just one second. Then they took it away. How could they do that!?!

They robbed you of it, and you need to get it back.

They took it off of you when it was rightfully yours and they haven’t given it back.

What you’re going to do, is you’re going to sit there, and plan to get it back.

Or maybe you won’t. Maybe… that just takes too much effort. So instead, you’re just going to pour yourself some and lie back. Throw your head back slowly, and feel every nerve in your neck stop working, one by one. Savour it as they numb you. Listen as the poppy petals fall around you and cover your body, as they float around you and swirl against your skin. Lie back. Dip your head under the bathwater. The bubbles are warm and welcoming, they missed you. Can’t you hear them squeak one by one as they tell you how much they missed you? Get close to them, slow yourself down. They’re speaking too quickly, slow yourself down, and then you’ll get to hear them. Just slow, down, for a second.

And stop breathing.

And go to sleep. Or better yet, go home. Go home and get angry! Go home and go crazy! Go home and tell everyone in your life to GET OUT! So that you can finally have some time to yourself.  Show them you’re the best! Prove it to them. GET ANGRY! If they don’t believe you, tell them again, and again, and again. Scream it at them! You have so much inside of you that you need to express, that the world needs to know. You need to be stretched, you need to be used, you need to feel every part of your body, every muscle and every tendon working at maximum capacity. You need to show them what you are. You are a god. You are a kind and terrible god. You must act for the greater good, even if you break bones along the way. Even if you break her bones to make her see.

Just wait in your bliss, my love. I’m here for you. I’m lying right beside you, my arms around your neck. I’ll lavish you, and I’ll love you, but then I’ll leave. You’ll know it as soon as I’m gone. But don’t be scared. I’m your potion and your cake, your great-green-caterpillar and your Cheshire smile. I’ll be your smooth chamomile tea with a side of freshly picked death-caps. There might be one of me at first, then I’ll be two, then four, then eight! You’ll never be alone again with us here. “We’ll walk along white beaches,” as said the Walrus to the Carpenter – or… oysters. We’ll paint the town red, or maybe just you, then we’ll dance like white rabbits, always in Wonderland.

Sara finds herself more and more caught up in the trials and tribulations of life in general. Wondering whether Alice wasn’t right in disappearing down the rabbit hole, she occupies her time with not doing work alongside a soundtrack of Alesso’s City of Dreams.

This entry was written by tretters and published on 09/11/2012 at 21:40. It’s filed under ISSUE6, Musings, Sara Trett and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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