ISSUE Magazine

Where Have All the Good Men Gone? – by Kamarul Anwar

Remember when you told me about your breakup and you asked – I think rhetorically – “Where have all the good men gone?” and I briefly rolled my eyes but you immediately noticed my derision for the question so you asked me “Why?” while I blew a raspberry and then you quickly rubbed your eyes because some of my saliva from the raspberry-blowing got into your eyes, but I pretended like you didn’t just do that because I was embarrassed so I matter-of-factly answered your question, “No, nothing-lah”..?

You do? Good. Fasten your seatbelt. I’m going to take you to where all the good men are now.

No, I’m not in my conspiracy theory mode. It’s not a myth – they really do exist.

Unless if you have a thing for Bigfoot.

Mind if I turn down the radio’s volume? I want to tell you something.

I’m going to be honest with you, (name bleeped out); I am already tired of hearing morose women lamenting that the world has lost its fair share of sensitive, faithful, caring gentlemen. And then the girls – you included – will proceed with vitriolic rants that in short, generalize all men as assholes. I know you were angry at that time, I understand. But I’m human, too. I can’t help but to feel terasa when women turn the noun “men” into a very negative adjective.

It’s, like, when I complained about that dumb girl I used to know for being, you know, dumb. And your defense mechanism triggered you to shout, “Not all girls are like that!” I agree. Same goes for men: not all of us are jerks.

Of course, you have definitely attracted men of all kinds and personalities. Even gays want to hang with you. You’re very attractive. Remember when I first got to know you, I said that you look like that Malaysian supermodel who can’t speak a lick of English – what’s her name – ah, never mind. And you’re smart, witty, financially independent. Oh my, kembangnya hidung you. Anyway, yeah, so, in the overcrowded pool of men that slipped and fell for you, it should also comprise a large quantity of assholes who just want the prize at the end of the rainbow, but do not have a single clue on how to take good care of their girlfriends.

The good men out there are innumerable. But you must understand, when I say “good men”, I’m only talking in terms of their sincerity to commitment and the maturity of accepting responsibility. White hats and hearts-on-sleeves are continuously fashionable beyond Spring/Summer 2012, believe it or not.

I can only assume that your definition of “good men” encompasses the two qualities I mentioned earlier as well. Yet, yours also includes and prioritises the miscellaneous personality traits of the almost-perfect McDreamies and other fictional characters concocted by the media.

Relationships are all about sharing, and we feel most comfortable to share with the people we feel most comfortable with. I understand that unisex friendships have become more common and more intimate than, say, 40 years ago. Many men will come into your life, and you would realize that when you meet one, you will say, Hey, this is a very nice guy. Period. You wouldn’t expect anything beyond a platonic relationship, despite the fact that he may be a good guy – in my book – because you’re still waiting for that real-life version of McDreamy or James Bond or Captain America or whichever make-believe men you fancy.

These characteristics – virile, charismatic, et cetera – might be enticing, but that won’t guarantee a good heart comes with the package. Sure, you can date Mister 007, but he’s going to leave you for another Bond Girl in the next movie. And by the time Mister-Goody-Two-Shoes Captain America has the balls to ask you out, he’s going to oversleep and miss the date by 70 years.

I’m not saying that men do not have lofty expectations for the women they seek – and it’s wrong for us to do so – and I’m not saying that you HAVE to pick the first Good Samaritan that comes out of the door. But every man has different personalities, and very few are as exciting or talented or good-looking as whomever you see on Star World HD. We have to have realistic expectations for our potential partners and learn to compromise. And leave McDreamy for you to gaze on your TV, or laptop – if you prefer to download Grey’s Anatomy illegally.

OK,OK; no need to pretend listening to me while playing with your iPad anymore.

We’re here, the place where all good men have gone to.

The Friendzone!

You’ve never seen this place? Shut the front door! You always pass by, when you’re coming from Splitsville.

Yeah, remember that guy there – sitting alone, reading a book. And that guy there – walking alone while holding a box of half-eaten chocolates? Of course you do; they asked you out before and you said that you merely wanted for the two of you to be their friends. If you ask me, I’d say they’re quite nice guys. The man who will always be there for you, I’m sure, is somewhere here in the Friendzone.

You shouldn’t worry too much if they can be a bit vanilla at times; vanilla is a classic. The novelty of Chocolate Indulgence, Red Velvet and the like will wear off sooner or later.

You might find a thing or two that the two of you have in common, if you give them a chance to take you out.

So, now, you’re saying that you’re just not looking for a serious relationship?

Well, you should have been honest with them. No need-la to be so polite and say you want to be “friends” with them. Face it: friends come and go. And you already have more than you can keep up with. These good men would not have been stuck in this God-forsaken zone, and they could have moved on.

One of the guys said, “The Friendzone is a no-man’s land.”

Do you want to get a McFlurry? We’ll go to the McDonald’s near your house. It’s so hot here in Friendzone.

So… uninhabitable.

Photo: Sunset at Lorraine Mondial Air Balloons, Chambley, France by

This entry was written by Kamarul Anwar and published on 03/06/2012 at 00:00. It’s filed under Essays, ISSUE1, Kamarul Anwar, Writings and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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